Chapter Three -- Applications
In
this chapter, we will get more specific about life passages and the
rituals by which we navigate them. We'll present our ideas about the
objectives, considerations, and
resources relevant to some of the life passages you may be asked to
help mark
and celebrate. We'll also share templates and sample rituals for some
of these passages, and thoughts about other passages for which, in our
opinion, rituals still need to be developed.
Most Pagan
rituals of passage are done with the assent, if not active
participation,
of
the focal people. Child blessings may seem to be an exception to this
rule, since
the
child is ordinarily an infant and incapable of informed consent or
knowledgeable
participation in ritual. What really happens in child blessing rites is
that
parents and God/dess parents (and
the community as a whole) promise to nurture and guide the new baby.
When the
child grows up, she or he will make a free and independent choice of
which spiritual Path, if any, to follow. We may hope this will be our
Path, but we know that forcing such a choice makes it meaningless. So,
a
child blessing ritual can be understood as an initiation into
parenthood or God/dess parenthood.
Pagan child blessings serve three
purposes:
- to present the child to family
and
close friends as a new junior member of the community
- to charge, empower and bless
the parents and
sponsors for
the child, and
- to seek the aid and protection
of the Gods for the child, and Their guidance for the caregivers.
Child
blessings are usually done shortly after birth, when the mother and
child are comfortably settled-in together. Besides the
parent(s) and child, other participants in child blessings usually
include
extended family members, friends of the family, and one or more
sponsors, who
have offered to serve as guardians in the event of parental incapacity
or
death, and who may assist the parents in the religious education of the
child.
Advice
to a potential sponsor
The decision
to become a sponsor or God/dess parent for a child should not be made
lightly.
It may entail serving as the child’s temporary or permanent guardian
should the
need arise; it certainly should entail the acceptance of an ongoing
duty of
care to support the child’s parent(s) by offering a listening ear and a
helping
hand. Years later, that same listening ear may be offered to the child,
during
her or his adolescent conflicts with the parents. God/dess parents
often take
on the role of providing such 'extras' as books or musical instruments
or
opportunities to be in nature, things that will nurture the child’s
spiritual
growth in general and expose her or him to Earth religion.
Template
for a Child Blessing
Carson, A.
1989: Blessing of the new baby; in Spiritual
parenting in the New Age, pages 92 to 96; edited by Anne Carson;
Crossing
Press, Freedom (California); ISBN 0-89594-356-5, 290 pages. Library of
Congress
call number BL625.5 S675 1989.
Fitch, E. and Renee, J.
1984: Magical rites from the Crystal Well;
Llewellyn, St.
Paul; ISBN 0-87542-230-6, 147 pages. Library of Congress call number
BF1611
F53.
Meltzer, D. (ed.)
1981: Birth: an anthology of ancient texts,
songs, prayers and stories;
North Point Press, San Francisco; ISBN
0-86547-005-7, 247 pages; Library of Congress call number GT2460 B57.
Pfost, K.S., Stevens, M.J., and
Matejcak, A.J., Jr.
1990: A counselor’s primer on postpartum
depression; Journal of Counseling and Development,
volume 69, number 2, pages
148 to 151.
Telesco, T.
1993: "Having a magickal child: childbirth and
wiccaning"; in Modern Rites of
Passage, pages 17 to
41; edited by Chas S. Clifton; Llewellyn, St. Paul ; ISBN
0-87542-378-7, 270
pages. Library of Congress call number BF1571 M65.
Initiations
mark intentional personal passages from one state of being to
another. Candidacy
for
initiation is usually earned by the candidate’s own actions, which
indicate their readiness for the initiation. In some groups, the exact
requirements
for initiation are widely made known to potential candidates in order
to guide their work towards being ready. Elsewhere, the
requirements are kept secret, and the candidate’s readiness is
signified by
their unprompted report of a particular dream, or their spontaneous
discovery
of some item of wisdom.
Initiatory
challenges
In tribal
times, initiation into adult status often involved some sort of ordeal
or test.
Many of these were actually life threatening. We are no longer willing
— or
legally able — to risk the lives of our young. Perhaps that's why
adolescent
rites of passage have become vestigial, or disappeared entirely in
recent
years. There's a gap in our culture, which the young instinctively
feel. At the
threshold of adulthood, they have a need to prove themselves. Some
invent their
own risky passage rites — dangerous sports, reckless driving, gangs,
drugs.
Others simply move into their adult years feeling adrift and incomplete.
In the Western world, we've given up
too much. Instead of completely dropping the practice of initiatory
ordeals, we
can fine-tune them to the way we really live now. We couldn't keep them
as they
were, but we can make them much better.
Real challenges don't have to be
either physically risky or illegal. One good recent example was a
coming of age
rite in which the young man was asked to keep up a steady heartbeat
drumbeat
throughout a nightlong ritual. In Proteus Coven, two candidates for
Initiation
were challenged to maintain 24 hours of silence, while
attending a Pagan gathering. Challenges like these, which require
determination and self‑control rather than physical daring, come far
closer to
what modern adult life will demand of the youngster.
Initiatory ordeals that closely
anticipate difficulties the young person might actually encounter,
rather than
anachronistic fantasies, bestow a great gift. When similar problems
actually
arise in real life, the new adult has the confidence of knowing for
sure that
they can cope, because they already did. A successfully met challenge
installs
an empowering memory.
In
the secular realm, those who wish to enter certain professions must
prove the
worth of their training through internship experiences and licensing
examinations. Jobs often begin with probationary periods. From these
models, we
draw the important lesson that the only meaningful test is one that is
actually
failable.
As mentors and initiators, however,
we need to make sure that failure does no permanent harm to the
candidate.
Working back from failure to ultimate success, in fact, can be the most
empowering experience of all. So we need to have some idea of how to
continue
developmental work with candidates who fail on their first try (or even
their
first several tries). Until we know what to do when someone fails, we
are
unlikely to have the guts to set the bars high enough for success to
really
mean something to the one who has met the challenge.
Your
own challenge
Here is a
challenge for you, the reader, whatever age you are: identify what
might be a
meaningful challenge for you. Whether or
not you choose to do whatever it is, just the exercise of figuring it
out will
help you think better about the next adolescent or candidate for
initiation. Of
course, the better the challenger knows the candidate, the more the
challenge
can be designed to push on dysfunctional habits or self‑imposed limits.
Hint:
watch for any area where the person habitually says "I can't," and
this does not seem literally true.
Challenges were never part of Judy’s
Craft training or practice, but they always have been part of
Gwyneth's. So
when we married and learned to work together, some challenges came
Judy’s way
and she’s had the opportunity to observe some others close up. She’s
now a big
believer in them. Regardless of any community acknowledgment, there is
an
immediate and inherent payoff to the individual who has successfully
met a
challenge ‑ a new self-confidence, a greater internal
freedom of action.
Many cultures
offer an initiatory passage
from childhood into adolescence. This passage often occurs at or soon
after the
candidate’s puberty. Entry into adolescence ordinarily entails ritual
severance
of the candidate’s ties to childhood by surrender
of some of their familiar possessions followed by a gift of
objects more suited to their new status as adolescents. For example, at
a
Hispanic girl’s coming-of-age, called her quincenera,
her father kneels before her, removes her flat slippers and replaces
them with
high-heeled dancing shoes.
Template
for Entry into Adolescence
Arthen, S.
“Puberty”
published in Fireheart issue number 3
and available via the Web at <http://www.earthspirit.com/fireheart/fhpub.html>
Blackburn, A.C. and
Erickson, D.B.
1986: Predictable crises of
the gifted
student; Journal of Counseling and
Development, volume 64, number 9, pages 552 to 555.
Buckley,
Thomas and Alma Gottlieb, eds.
1988: Blood
Magic: The Anthropology of Menstruation; University of California Press, Berkeley;
ISBN 0-520-06350-3, 326 pages. Library of Congress call number GN484.38
B56
1988.
Budapest, Z.E.
1989b: Rite of
self-dedication for young men; in Spiritual
parenting in the New Age, pages 252 to 253; edited by
Anne Carson; Crossing Press, Freedom (California); ISBN 0-89594-356-5,
290
pages. Library of Congress call number BL625.5 S675 1989.
Carson, A.
1989a: The time
of letting go: adolescence; in Spiritual
parenting in the New Age, pages 217 to 229; edited by
Anne Carson; Crossing Press, Freedom (California); ISBN 0-89594-356-5,
290
pages. Library of Congress call number BL625.5 S675 1989.
Carson, A.
1989b: Menarche;
in Spiritual
parenting in the New Age, pages 254 to 259; edited by Anne Carson;
Crossing
Press, Freedom (California); ISBN 0-89594-356-5, 290 pages. Library of
Congress
call number BL625.5 S675 1989.
Erikson, E. H.
1968: Identity,
youth and crisis; W.W.Norton, New York; 336 pages. Library of
Congress call
number BF697 E7.
Mariechild, D.
1989: Sharing a
spiritual path with adolescents; in Spiritual
parenting in the New Age, pages 230 to 235; edited by
Anne Carson; Crossing Press, Freedom (California); ISBN 0-89594-356-5,
290
pages. Library of Congress call number BL625.5 S675 1989.
For most of
human history, puberty marked a person’s entry into adult privilege and
responsibility, as most young people were established in trades and
married by
their early to mid teens. Back then, one ritual – Confirmation or Bar
Mitzvah in European cultures –
marked these concurrent changes in both bodily development and social
role.
Adolescence emerged as a separate life stage only in the First World, and only after technological
advances both allowed
society to do without teenagers' labor and changed work so that jobs
now
require more years of formal education and training.
Today, Bar Mitzvahs and Confirmations, still celebrated
at the
traditional time of puberty, mark the passage from childhood to
adolescence for the children of our neighbors. Statements made
within those rites that the person is now an adult ring hollow.
And nothing much marks the passage from adolescence to adulthood.
The average High School or College graduation exercise is a pretty
pallid rite.
In North America, entry into
adulthood is marked by a variety of nearly-universal secular events: we
take
our first legal drink in a tavern, we register to vote (and sometimes
register for
the draft), we obtain our driver’s license, we rent our first apartment
and
move away from our childhood home. Most of us graduate from school. For
some of us, this passage is marked by our first scary encounter with
unplanned
pregnancy.
All of these events have this in
common: they mark acceptance of adult-level responsibilities and
privileges,
with adult-level consequences for failure or default. Clearly, this
passage can
be eased by parents who offer their advice and counsel to their
grown-up
offspring — and who make good on that offer when so asked.
Although we have plenty of these
secular markers of the passage from adolescence to adulthood, we don’t
yet have
many religious rituals to
mark this very important life passage. We need an
adulthood rite.
Click here
for our first attempt
at
writing
such a
ritual.
Carnes, M. C.
1989: Secret
ritual and manhood in Victorian America;
Yale University Press, New Haven;
ISBN 0-300-05146-8, 226 pages. Library of Congress call number HS204
C37.
Carson, A.
1989c: Celebrating the
driver’s
license; in Spiritual parenting in
the New Age, pages 240 to 241; edited by Anne Carson; Crossing Press,
Freedom
(California); ISBN 0-89594-356-5, 290 pages. Library of Congress call
number
BL625.5 S675 1989.
Erikson, E. H.
1978: Adulthood;
W.W.Norton, New York; ISBN 0-393-09086-8, 276
pages.
Library of Congress call number BF724.5 A35
Foster, S.
1989b: Passage into manhood; in Spiritual parenting
in the New Age,
pages 242 to 251; edited by Anne Carson; Crossing Press, Freedom
(California);
ISBN 0-89594-356-5, 290 pages. Library of Congress call number BL625.5
S675
1989.
Liptak, K.
1994: Coming-of-age:
traditions and rituals around the world; Millbrook
Press, Brookfield (Connecticut),
126 pages. Library of Congress call number GN483.3 L57 1994.
Judith, A.
1993: Between the Worlds: Late
adolescence and early adulthood in modern Paganism; in Modern Rites of Passage, pages 75
to 91; edited by Chas S.
Clifton; Llewellyn, St. Paul; ISBN 0-87542-378-7, 270 pages. Library of
Congress call number BF1571 M65.
Mahdi, L.C., Foster, S. and
Little, M. (eds.)
1987: Betwixt
& between: patterns of masculine and feminine initiation; Open Court, La Salle (Illinois);
ISBN 0-8126-9048-6, 513 pages. Library of Congress call number GN473
B47.
Meade, M.
1993: Men and the
water of life: initiation and the tempering of men;
HarperSanFrancisco, ISBN 0-06-250726-5, 442 pages. Library of Congress
call
number HQ1090 M4.
Raphael, R.
1988: The men
from the boys: rites of passage in male America;
ISBN 0-8032-8937-5, 228 pages. Library of Congress call number HQ799.6
R36.
Roberts, W.O. Jr.
1982: Initiation
into adulthood: an ancient rite in contemporary form;
Pilgrim Press, New York;
ISBN 0-8298-0629-6, 182 pages. Library of Congress call number BV783
I54 R63.
Wallace, R.
1989: Initiation into
womanhood; in Spiritual
parenting in the New Age,
pages 260 to 269; edited by Anne Carson; Crossing Press, Freedom
(California);
ISBN 0-89594-356-5, 290 pages. Library of Congress call number BL625.5
S675
1989.
Of the four
initiatory passages — child blessing, entry into adolescence,
coming-of-age,
and ordination — only ordination is independent of bodily changes.
Readiness
for ordination is ordinarily a matter of having completed a certain
level of
religious or secular education, supported by appropriate life
experience.
Certainly, in everyday speech we
associate ordination with a religious context, but it has its secular
equivalents in the formal initiations into professional ‘priesthood’:
passing
the Bar Exam and being recognized as an barrister or attorney,
completing
internship and passing the State Boards for certification as a
psychologist;
being accepted into the ancient office of the Calling of the Engineer
and
accepting the iron ring in token of the engineer’s duty of care. These
vocations are as sacred as any religious office. And, just as with
religious
initiations, the secrets of these secular/professional passages are
zealously
guarded.
Religious initiation, ordination
into priesthood, is familiar to many Pagans. Each of the Pagan
religious orders
has its own Traditional notion of how such an initiation should be
done, and of
standards for candidacy. Most of those details are held secret by the
initiates: we would no more tell a Druid about the details of our
passage
through the Gardnerian Wiccan rites than we would expect the Druid to
tell us
about her initiatory experiences.
All initiations involve a separation
from ordinary ways of being: whether it be blindfolded entry into a
maze, or
silent enclosure in an academic examination room. While in that
different
state, the candidate must pass certain tests, and learns certain
secrets
(whether the be the names of the sacred plants of the Tradition, or the
number
and content of the questions on an examination paper.) Finally, the
candidate
returns, transformed, to the ordinary world. Click here
for a template for
a generic
ordination based upon our understanding of common themes within
Pagan
Traditions. Please remember, though, that ordinations are
Tradition-specific; this is not a ‘one size fits all’ situation.
Bado-Fralick, N.
2005: Coming to the Edge of the Circle: A Wiccan
Initiation Ritual; Oxford
University Press, New York;
ISBN 0-19-516645-0, 181 pages. Library of Congress call number B:615
B33 2005
Eliade, M.
1958: Rites and
symbols of initiation: the mysteries of birth and rebirth;
Harper Torchbooks, New York; ISBN 0-06-131236-3, 175
pages.
Library of Congress call number BL615 E4 1958.
Slater, H. (ed.)
1978: A book of
pagan rituals; re-issued as one volume by Samuel Weiser, New York; ISBN 0-87728-348-6, 142
pages.
Library of Congress call number BF1566 B64.
Starhawk
1999: The spiral
dance: a rebirth of the ancient religion of the Great
Goddess; HarperSanFrancisco, San Francisco; ISBN 0-06-250815-6, 326
pages.
Library of Congress call number BF1566 S77 1999.
A handfasting, or a wedding,
is not a marriage. A
marriage is what follows the ritual: years and decades of living the
commitments that were made, the realization of their hopes and desires
to spend
their lives in each other’s company. The gender and number of the
people making
and living the commitment is fundamentally irrelevant to the existence
of a
marriage; such considerations only come into play when we try to
register a
marriage with the State.
As clergy, we are not in the
business of marrying people. People
marry each other. The living heart of marriage is the self-created
bond, which can survive, as one of Judy’s did, lifelong
without either religious or legal validation. Nevertheless, both
legal and religious support systems are available to those marriages
which both
desire this support and satisfy the definition held by the government
and by
their members’ particular faith tradition.
Our role as clergy is to assist the
people in discerning their true will concerning marriage, to assist
them in
enacting and celebrating that commitment before their families and
community so
that it will be known, recognized and supported, and to remain
accessible to
the people if they subsequently seek our aid and counsel. Marriage
rituals can
take the form of ‘traditional’ North American weddings, or
handfastings, or
many other forms. We will discuss handfastings and weddings in detail
because
those are the forms of marriage rites we are most commonly called to
perform.
Marriage can also sometimes be a
legally-recognized civil contract. There are some advantages to this,
which is
why gay and lesbian people are struggling to secure the option of legal
recognition and protection for their marriages. Nevertheless, it is
love, not
law, that makes a marriage and a family.
- The
celebrants must be of
legal minimum age for marriage.
- In
most jurisdictions, one of the
celebrants must be male, and one must be female.
- The
celebrants must be legally
free to marry (i.e., they must not presently be married to someone
else; they
must not be close kin by blood.)
- The
celebrants must be
competent: they must be capable of understanding what they are about to
do, and
they must not be intoxicated.
- The
handfasting or wedding ceremony,
whether formal or informal, must occur before witnesses. The witnesses
must be of
legal age.
- The
celebrants must obtain, and
properly execute and return, a marriage license.
- Legal
requirements for clergy
registration vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. Be sure you know
them and
have satisfied them where the marriage is to be performed. Never tell people that you can
perform a legally recognized wedding unless you have first secured your
own
legal clergy status! (You can find a state-by-state
guide to legal requirements here, but
please check that the information for your state is current, and please let us
know any new information you find.)
by Elsa Die
Löwin
1.
Meet with the people to see if you can
work with them. This isn't usually a problem. Most of the people we
have
handfasted were friends of ours for years before. Occasionally, pushy
people
will try to pressure you when you don't feel right about them. Don't be
afraid
to be picky. If you don't feel right, say "no". Until you accept the
job, you have no obligation.
2.
Ask the people questions to establish
compatibility. You probably don't want to do a handfasting that won’t
or
shouldn't stick. You have the option of offering a set term, such as a
year and
a day.
3.
Working with the people, pull together
the ritual. They may wish to write most of it themselves, or they may
wish to
cut and paste from others’ sources, or they may want you to tell them
what to
do. Remember that this has to be a ritual that you are willing to do
without
reservation and that they will have to live with and by.
4.
Stay in touch as the handfasting date
approaches. Otherwise intelligent people turn into absentminded fools
in the
face of transitions such as this.
5.
Help work out the staging aspect of the
ritual, where people will stand, where the perimeter of the circle will
be,
etc.
6.
Be on time, or even a little bit early
for rehearsals and the ceremony. You will probably have to help some of
the
folks get grounded. This is not the time to run on "Pagan Standard
Time".
7.
Wear something in keeping with the
situation. The bride may volunteer an opinion. If she doesn't, ask. I
have a
white linen suit to look "normal" and dignified, as well as a variety
of robes and period costumes.
8.
Marriage
Licenses can be signed before, during, or after the ceremony. It is up
to the
people to get the license, but there are spaces for you to fill in. In California,
you must perform the ceremony and/or sign the licensee in the same
county that
issues the license, and it must be used and sent in within a certain
time
period. You must stay within the spaces provided (no writing into the
margins)
and may not use abbreviations. It is a kindness to your newlyweds if
you take
responsibility for mailing it off.
9.
Be honest and discreet depending on the
level of out-of-the-broomcloset-ness of the people with respect to the
guests.
10. Your
responsibilities do not include deciding the date, time, location,
colors,
theme, flowers, seating, reception menu, clothing, etc. Those decisions
properly belong to the couple, the maid-of- honor, mother of the bride,
or
wedding consultant; they are not your problem.
11. You
are also not obliged to keep Aunt Busybody or anyone else happy. You
and the
people may wish to assign others to keeping the situation grounded.
Just be
polite. You are answerable only to the couple you have agreed to
handfast.
by
Spellweaver
1.
What
does marriage mean to you?
2.
Why
do you wish to marry this person?
3.
How,
or in what ways, do you believe marriage may change your relationship?
4,
How
long have you known each other? How long have you been in this
relationship?
5.
How
did you meet, and what first attracted you to this person?
6.
What
do you like about this person? Dislike?
7.
If
you could change one thing about this person, what would it be?
(To the other partner) Knowing this, how
do you feel about this? Are you willing to work on this issue?
8.
How
is your sex life? Who is the primary initiator?
If more one than the other, how
do you feel about that?
9.
Do
you plan on having children?
If yes:
A)
How many children?
B)
Who will be the primary care-giver?
C)
How do you see yourself as a
parent....strict? lenient? . ...what do you
believe will
be your primary method of parenting? Have you discussed
child-rearing?
If no:
What
will you
do if one of you becomes accidentally pregnant?
10.
Does
either of you have children from a previous relationship?
If yes:
A)
Will the children be living with you? If
not, who is the primary
caretaker
and what are your visitation rights? your child-support obligations?
B)
How do the children effect your current
relationship?
C). How
is the relationship between the
children and your fiancée?
If not good: What steps are you making
to try to make it better?
D)
If you are the primary caretaker, what
will happen to the children in the
event of your death or incapacity?
Is your fiancée willing to take on the
responsibility
of raising the children? If not, who will be responsible?
11.
How
are your "lines of communication"? Do you feel comfortable discussing
difficult issues or emotions - such as anger or disappointment caused
by your
partner?
12.
Every
couple can expect that there will be times when you will fight. How do
you
fight and/or express anger with each other?
13.
What
are you willing to do to help work through those difficult times and
keep your
lines of communication open? (e.g.: enter into counseling, give each
other
space/time, etc.)
14.
What
is the one thing that your partner could do or say that would cause you
to end
this relationship?
15.
What
are you prepared to vow or commit to each other?
Template
for a Handfasting Ritual
Resources for Handfasting Rituals
Ardinger,
B.
1992: A woman’s
book of rituals and celebrations; New World Library, San
Rafael (California);
ISBN 0-93143-290-1, 212 pages. Library of Congress call number BL725.7
A55.
Arthen, S.
“Handfasting” published in
Fireheart
#1 and available via the Web at <http://www.earthspirit.com/fireheart/fhhafas.html>
Budapest, Z.E.
1989: The holy
book of women's mysteries; Wingbow Press, Berkeley (California),
308 pages. Library of Congress call number BF1566 B78 1989.
Butler, B. (ed.)
1990: Ceremonies
of the heart: celebrating lesbian unions; Seal Press,
Seattle; 308 pages. Library of Congress call number HQ75.6 U5 C47.
Charboneau-Harrison, J.
1993: Handfasting: marriage
and the
modern Pagan in Modern Rites of
Passage, pages 165 to 187; edited by Chas S. Clifton; Llewellyn, St.
Paul; ISBN
0-87542-378-7, 270 pages. Library of Congress call number BF1571 M65.
Dunwich, G.
1992: The secrets
of love magick; Citadel Press, New York; ISBN 0-8065-1365-9; 206
pages.
Library of Congress call number BF1623 L6 D86.
Farrar, J. and Farrar, S.
1981: Eight
sabbats for Witches; Robert Hale, London;
192 pages. Library of Congress call number BF1571 F34.
Fitch, E. and Renee, J.
1984: Magical
rites from the Crystal Well; Llewellyn, St.
Paul; ISBN 0-87542-230-6, 147 pages. Library of Congress call number
BF1611
F53.
Kaldera, R. and Schwartzstein,
T.
2003: Handfasting
and wedding rituals: welcoming Hera's blessing;
Llewellyn Publications, St. Paul (Minnesota);
ISBN 0-7387-0470-9, 320 pages. Library of Congress call number GT2690
K35.
Lewin, E.
1998: Recognizing
ourselves: ceremonies of lesbian and gay commitment;
Columbia University Press, New York,
288 pages. Library of Congress call number HQ76.3 U5 L49.
Thorsson, E.
1989: A book of
Troth; Llewellyn Publications, St. Paul
(Minnesota);
ISBN 0-87542-777-4, 226 pages. Library of Congress call number BL860 T52
¤ ¤ ¤
When a wedding
is depicted on television show or in a movie, it is most likely to be a
formal
North American secular wedding. For artistic and dramatic purposes, the
portrayal of the wedding may be abridged, but it will almost certainly
contain
a few elements which will establish, for the benefit of its viewers,
that it is
indeed intended to depict a wedding. These elements include: a woman
dressed in
a fancy white gown, a man dressed in a formal black suit, a ceremonial
procession to the altar accompanied by Felix Mendelssohn’s classic Wedding March (more commonly known as Here
Comes the Bride), the exchange of
wedding vows (inevitably including the words, “I do!” from both
celebrants) in
the presence of an elderly clergyman, an exchange of rings, and a
ceremonial
recession from the altar to the tune of Wagner’s Tannhauser
march.
You may be asked to officiate at the
wedding of friends who are not religiously affiliated, but who know you
are
“into something spiritual” and would rather be married by a friend than
by a
stranger. It’s better to use a generic or secular ritual rather than to
impose our
religious rites on them. You might also choose to do a “plain vanilla”
ceremony
for Pagans who are not “out” to their families.
Template for a secular wedding
A
sample of
a simple secular wedding ceremony, along with much more information on
secular weddings, can be found on retired Judge Carolyn Hayek's web
site.
However, none of those elements,
except for the exchange of vows, and the legal paperwork, are really
needed for a generic
wedding. It
works perfectly well for the celebrants and witnesses to meet with the
clergy-person and the witnesses over a cup of tea, and simply have the
celebrants
exchange
statements of their intent to be married and then exchange their vows.
Provided
that the marriage license is properly executed and returned to the
registering
agency, that’s all it takes to perform a legal wedding.
Arisian, K.
1973: The new
wedding: creating your own marriage ceremony; Knopf, New York; ISBN 0-394-48334-0, 175
pages.
Library of Congress call number BV199 M3 A74.
Biddle, P.H.
1974: Abingdon
marriage manual; Abingdon Press, Nashville (Tennessee);
ISBN 0-687-00484-5, 254 pages. Library of Congress call number BV199 M3
B47.
Brill, M.L., Halpin, M. and
Gennâe, W.H. (eds.)
1979: Write your
own wedding: a personal guide for couples of all faiths;
Association Press, Chicago; ISBN 0-69581-146-0; 115 pages. Library of
Congress
call number BL619 M37 B75.
Broderick, C.B.
1995: Marriage;
entry in World Book Encyclopedia, 66th edition, volume
13, pages 219 to 222.
Christensen, J.L.
1974: The
minister’s marriage handbook; Revell, Old Tappan (New Jersey); 159 pages. Library of
Congress
call number BV199 M3 C5.
Dallen, J.
1971: Liturgical
celebration: possible patterns; North American Liturgy
Resources, Cincinnati (Ohio);
89 pages. Library of Congress call number BX2169 D34.
Glusker, D. and Misner, P.
1986: Words for
your wedding: the wedding service book; Harper & Row, San Francisco;
155 pages. Library of Congress call number BV199 M3 W67 1986.
Hudson, H.
1995: Civil rites
and ceremonies; Heritage Press, Otaki (New Zealand).
2001: Vows;
Priory Press, Te Horo Beach,
Otaki (New Zealand);
ISBN 0-958-2289-0-6.
Kingma, D.R.
1991: Weddings
from the heart; Conari Press,
Berkeley ; ISBN 0-94323-394-1, 191 pages.
Kischenbaum, J. and Stensrud,
R.
1974: The wedding
book: alternative ways to celebrate marriage; Seabury
Press, New York;
ISBN 0-8164-2090-4, 277 pages.
Klausner, A.J.
1986: Weddings: a
complete guide to all religious and interfaith marriage
services; Signet, New York;
ISBN 0-451-15389-8, 221 pages. Library of Congress call number BL619
M37 K55.
Lalli, C.G.
1992: Modern
Bride wedding celebrations: the complete wedding planner for
today’s bride; John Wiley & Sons, New York; ISBN 0-47156882-1;
217
pages. Library of Congress call number BJ2051 L35.
Levin, L. and Bellotti, L.G.
1994: Creative
weddings: an up-to-date guide for making your wedding as
unique as you are; Penguin Books, New York; ISBN 0-452-27203-3, 246
pages.
Library of Congress call number HQ745 L46.
Mason, P.
2004: Weddings;
Heinemann Library, Chicago; ISBN 1-4034-2515-9, 32 pages.
Library of Congress call number GT2665 M37 2004.
Metrick, S.B.
1992: I do: a
guide to creating your own unique wedding ceremony;
Celestial Arts, Berkeley (California);
ISBN 0-89087-679-7, 134 pages. Library of Congress call number HQ745
M64.
Nichols, W.C.
1996: Marriage;
entry in Encyclopedia Americana, 68th edition, volume
18, pages 345 to 353.
Styles, F.A.
1970: A secular
marriage service; Styles, Willowdale (Ontario);
12 pages. Library of Congress call number HQ745 S8.
Wall, W.S.
1973: The
creative wedding handbook; Newman Press, New York; ISBN 0-80910-177-7, 163
pages.
Library of Congress call number BV199 M3 W34.
Marriage
begins with love and hope. When it ends, it ends, always, in
disappointment and
sorrow. Too often, there is also considerable anger and bitterness. How
else
could it be, with humans?
Divorce
is much more prevalent these days than in prior generations. In some
areas, an
actual majority of marriages end in divorce. This is as much a
life-changing
event as getting married, and people navigating this sad passage also
need and
deserve rituals to assist them in finding a new way of being.
There is real work, both practical
and emotional, involved in severing bonded lives, work that cannot be
done in
one evening. The purpose of a handparting is to release the divorced
people to
get on with their lives, perhaps to love and marry again. It marks the
end of a
long, difficult, and usually painful process. Done prematurely, it will
fail
and the experience of such failure will make it harder for rituals to
work for
these people in the future. It’s better if these things happen first:
·
legal
divorce is completed.
·
property
arrangements are made and on
their way to being implemented.
·
mutually
satisfactory arrangements are
in place for the care of any children.
·
the
former spouses have worked through
the process of grieving their marriage and come to acceptance.
Under those
circumstances, it is possible that people who were once bonded lovers
may some
day become friends.
Handparting rites should include the
partners’ mutual release of each other from their marital vows and
deconsecration
and return of the marital tokens (such as rings or bracelets) that had
been
exchanged at
their handfasting. The tokens
may be retained by their original donor, or (perhaps a better choice)
cast into
a stream or other moving body of water, or buried.
You may find a
situation where one partner is ready to move on while another is stuck.
Be
mindful of the power of anger in this situation! It is better to make a
clean
parting for the one, even if the other partner is unwilling to end the
marriage.
When only one of the partners wishes
to leave the relationship, a different kind of handparting can be done,
directed only toward the person who actively seeks release. This would
be more
like a resolution ritual (more on these below), As in the case of a
mutual
handparting, the departing person should ritually deconsecrate their
tokens of
marriage, and then return the tokens to her or his former partner if
possible, or release then to Nature. When
possible, the other partner should be notified that such a ritual has
taken
place, as that knowledge may help clear the blocks he or she is facing.
If the
former partner was abusive, however, it might be safer to avoid all
communication.
Template
for a Handparting
Fisher, Bruce
2005: Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends;
Impact Books (and associated workbook)
Ford, Debbie
2006: Spiritual
Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life;
HarperOne
Prior
to the Industrial Revolution,
much of European and North American life was sustained by human
muscle power. Young and middle-aged people worked the land, erected
buildings, or did other labor-intensive activities. Older people,
who had
worn out their bodily strength, were charged with passing their skills
and
knowledge on to the younger generation of workers. The passage into
elderhood
was thus marked by a significant change in daily activities, from
bodily work
to knowledge work.
Nowadays, we live longer, and most
of us live more easily. We apply our skills and knowledge throughout
our
working lives, and the transition from energetic adulthood to elderhood
is more
gradual. These days, Western culture devalues elderhood: mainstream
economists and marketers view elders as non-productive dead weight,
consuming resources
that should be released and redirected to use by younger generations.
Many of us have
been
brought up to view old age as a time of weakness and abandonment, of
isolation
from the ebb and flow of our culture and society.
It doesn’t need to be that way. As
the Pagan community continues to age and grow, we are beginning to
understand
the need for rites of passage into elderhood.
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